Constant Reminders

For the past month and a half of being at school, the sermons at the church I attend here have been on Ephesians. While I've been there, we've only covered some of chapter 5, and most of 6. But in the time we've studied those couple of chapters, I've learned a lot. Today I looked back at my sermon notes... I saw a lot of similarities between this morning's notes and past week's. It was cool to see those constant reminders. Even those in the church of Ephesus, they needed these reminders. I've heard sermons on topics from marriage to work, and from purity to focus. I love that this book covers every part of life. It's helping me realize how to live according to God's Will.

But another thing that really stuck with me is the fact that those reminders never stopped. I know that's because we'll never be perfect human beings. I know for myself, I want to be as Christ-like as possible. But that doesn't mean to be self-righteous. And I know, lately, I've been at fault for that... but instead it means everyday, falling at the feet of Jesus, asking for His forgiveness and giving Him glory in everything. I have to be reminded daily to live for Jesus not because it's not important to me. But because I'm a innately prideful human being. Therefore it takes a lot more out of me to go against my nature to love people and love God.

Anyway, here is my Sunday afternoon rant/thoughts. Basically, this past few month or two has been a journey. It's been a wake-up call for myself. It was a reminder that I always have room to grow in God. Always.

He loves me more than the sand on the beach.

He understands

Everyone always complains about how no one ever understands them or what they’re going through. This is how I see it. You have two options. Keep complaining and get nowhere. Or you can stop complaining and realize that your situations are unique to you so no one can fully understand. I am trying to choose the latter. No one will ever have the capacity to know or understand fully what I’ve gone through or what I’m going through. My life story is fingerprinted and the only one who would understand is the One who created those fingerprints. If I want to complain or confide in someone about the struggles I’m facing, I’m realizing who I should be going to. Jesus.

Wise Words from a Friend

"God is God and He can and will do whatever He wants. His will WILL be done. And I think part of what makes God so awesome is that He doesn't fill us in on the details. He just kind of moves the furniture around in our lives while we stand in the center of the living room. And maybe in the process you'll find some change in the couch cushions and you'll get rid of the ugly lamp in the corner... and then once God's stopped moving everything, you'll see what He's done. But in the process, you'll be like "Why are you moving all my furniture, God?" And that's okay. Just wait for Him to finish. I bet it will be worth it. God's the ultimate interior designer."

She knows I love metaphors, and this was a perfect one for me tonight. :)

How do you love them?

The people who get on your last nerve. The people who drive you the most crazy. The same people you still care enough about. The people you know God put in your life for a reason. Those people. How do you love them?

Keep on Praying.

Saturday Night Thoughts

Things could be worse, and sometimes I forget that. I also forget that if God didn't do one more thing for me, I still would have so much to praise Him for. My life is a testimony of His amazing grace, love, pursuit and refinement. I can think of so many times in my life where God came through for me. That's what keeps me going, especially in times like now. Things are going well. But like a normal school year, things can get pretty stressful quickly. I have classes to study for, friendships and relationships to maintain, finances to keep up with... and so much more...! You have no idea. Anyway, I've still never been happier in life. And one thing I loved is that I enjoy living life more and more each day, even with all those stresses of life. I think that's because I know things happen for a reason and I know God is teaching me something new everyday.... literally through EVERY situation I'm facing right now. Therefore, even though in the moment it's tough, I'll go on because I have faith in Him.

A leap of faith.

Maybe that's all it takes.

Something's right about this.

I know THAT much. The right thing at the wrong time. Or it's the wrong thing at the right time. I'm not really sure which one it is yet, but that's how I see it. I know this is not the wrong thing at the wrong time, so I guess that's a plus! But still, I'm finding myself in a really difficult position because either way the temporary result appears to be disappointment, because it's just not "the right thing at the right time." It's just hard when the one thing you want the most is held back by something that's bigger than you. In the end, though I think the answer is simple: wait a little longer and pray a little harder.

Nobodies

The Bible always talks about how God always uses the weakest, smallest, most horrible and least significant people. Today I feel like that person. I feel like my life isn't going where I thought it would. I feel like I'm at the bottom.... and it's a horrible feeling, but I know and trust that God is teaching me something through this. It's just hard going through it, sometimes. But anyway, I believe that He uses the "nobodies" to do great things, including someone like me. I have no idea what He has in store for my future, but if He has something to do with it, I know it'll be good. In those moments (like those throughout today) when I feel like I'm useless and unworthy of so many things, I have to remember the God that I serve excels at using the people like me. He specializes in those who appear "useless" to the world. Throughout the Bible, He used the people who were least expected.Paul was a murderer. Rahab was a prostitute. Noah was a drunk. Joseph was abused. Moses had a stuttering problem. Gideon was afraid. David had an affair and was a murderer. Elijah was suicidal. Jonah ran from God. The Disciples fell asleep while praying. The Samaritan woman was divorced. Just like them, I know God will use me today. He'll use me... another nobody to the world, but a significant somebody to the Creator of the Universe. I find comfort in that, tonight.

It is impossible to forgive someone if you feel superior to him or her.

Perceptions

You really can't form an opinion about someone until you get to know them. One thing that I've realized about myself is that I'm more judgmental of people than I really should be. Sometimes it's hard for me to put myself in their shoes, because all I know is myself. I sometimes overlook the fact that they have DIFFERENT issues than I do. I get so caught up in my mess, that I don't take the time to let others tell me their side of the story. But today, I was able to talk to a person I've clearly misjudged. I have a horrible perception of this person. Let's just say that I didn't think much of them. But today, I thought differently. It was nice and somewhat refreshing to be freed of that distorted perception. I still see this person as someone with issues. But in reality, that's how we all are. I have issues. You have issues. We all do. We all have problems that we're dealing with. We're all facing challenges that bring out our strengths... and also weaknesses. Just like I hope no one judges me, I will strive to judge less and love people more. That means you, too. My perception of is changing because God is changing my perception on several things. He's changing my heart. He's over and over showing me how to love and see people like He sees them.

Why did that have to happen?

Tonight I asked God and myself that question a hundred times. I wonder why we have to go through the things we go through. It's difficult to experience what I experienced today. I've never gone through anything like it before, and it breaks my heart thinking about it... :( Tonight I feel like God's Will was done but right now in this moment, His Will just feels not-so-great... It's that uncomfortable position after waking up that I touched on in my "Snooze Button" post earlier this week. Anyway, while following God's Will is the best thing to do, today I realized how hard it is to be obedient. Today's lesson was that: His will is difficult sometimes, but in the long run, it'll pay off... And as hard as it is to see the happy ending for myself and those involved today, I trust in Him that it'll come soon. I will continually trust in His guiding hand to show me His plan for my life.

Everything happens for a reason. And while today would prove otherwise, I still trust in that fact. For some divine reason, today happened. For some divine reason, this past month and a half happened. I have no idea why... but I know Someone who does. He'll make that clear soon to me... He'll answer my question, "Why did that have to happen?"

Someday. Soon.

We all have a story to tell.

Each one of our stories are unique, just like each of our fingerprints. And if the pen that's writing our stories is in the right hands, there's no doubt the ending will be beautiful...

You Don't Know Me

You don't know me...

You don't know my past
The reasons I act the way I do
The memories that make me cringe
The good times that bring laughter
You don't know my story

You don't know my pain
The reason for the tears I shed
The hurt that still binds me down
The heartache that breaks me
You don't know my sorrow

You don't know my insecurities
The doubts I have about myself
The approval I constantly seek
The reasons I think I'm so messed up
You don't know my fragility

You don't know me...

You don't know my joys
The things that make me smile
The motivations that keep me going
The reasons of why I sing
You don't know my delights

You don't know my dreams
The desires I have for my future
The things I'm passionate about
The person I aspire to be one day
You don't know my hopes

You don't know my future
The person I'll be tomorrow
The whereabouts I'll end up at
The legacy I'll leave on
You don't know my destiny

If only you knew me
You'd understand
Where I was coming from
And where I'm going

You may not know me
But there is one who does...

Only God knows
My past, my pain, my insecurities
My joys, my dreams and my future

God has searched me
And He knows me :)

"You have searched me, LORD,and you know me." (Psalm 139:1)

It creeps back....

those consequences that I faced 3 years ago came back tonight. At least I think it did... AND IT HURT REAL BAD. The words that were said hurt. The tears and memories that were revisited also hurt. I literally had nothing else to say, except "WHY, GOD?!" Why do these things keep happening? Why do I have to remember the hurt I faced years ago? Why do the people I hurt then still hurt? I just don't understand. I've changed so much within those years that it breaks my heart thinking about how similar things have gone back (in a sense) to how they were 3 years ago.

I guess it means God is not done yet. He's not done refining me... or those I've encountered. I have to keep faith and press forward. I can't go back to my old ways. God's brought me too far to do that.

The Snooze Button

Usually when my alarm goes off, I automatically just press the snooze button. All I want is a "few more minutes" but I end up sleeping for another hour or so. Meh. I just don't feel like getting up and ruining a perfectly good night's sleep. We all know that waking is hard to do in the mornings. It just doesn't feel comfortable sometimes. And then it usually takes ten or so minutes to feel fully awake after I actually get out of bed. Nonetheless, being awake and living out my day feels much better than completely wasting my life away by sleeping...

Okay, so how does this affect my life? How is this a constant reminder? Well, let me tell you. The snooze button... those are the moments I am disobedient to God. They're the times I know I need to be doing something, but I'm not because I'm too scared. They're the decisions and actions I put off until the last minute, and sometimes that's a little too late.... Again, it's those moments where you know God is telling you to do something, but you do the opposite, you just pretend to ignore it or you sleep right through it because it's completely out of your comfort zone? Yup... that's where I am right now. I'm in that exact position. And I hate it. It's that moment when all you want to do is press the snooze button. It's that moment when you're lying comfortably in your bed, not wanting to move, but deep down you know you have to get up so you won't be late for class... 

I look back on the last couple of days, and I can see how many times I've pressed that snooze button. And I know it's just gonna get worse and worse if I keep pressing it. I'm at the point where I just need to WAKE UP. I need to get out of my comfortable bed (and my little comfort zone) and be okay with feeling uncomfortable for a little bit. Because in the long run, I'll feel refreshed later on... And I won't have to go on living life, regretting the days I've wasted sleeping or the good moments I let myself pass by. 

When my life is over and done with,I don't want God to have to settle in giving me the second best for my life, just because of my disobedience to Him. He wants to give me the best (which I SOOO desire) and I'm realizing more and more that I just need to have enough courage to go through a little more pain to get there.....

I'm not sure how long this is gonna take for me to actually get out of bed and "wake up." I'll be completely honest and say that this is something I'm trying to postpone as long as possible, but I know I can't much longer. I could say I'm trying to wait for the right time and words, but if I don't at least make one small step, I'll be sleeping for much longer than necessary. I might even sleep though the entire day, which is a major problem. So, I know I just need to make that first step... somehow.... and God will take care of the rest. I trust in that....

*this post was inspired by yesterday's message at Newberg Foursquare Church. 

Seven Reasons to Smile (9/3/12)

I haven't done this in a while. So here goes:

1. Education. Although it's been a somewhat stressful first couple of days of school, I'm thankful for the opportunity to be here. Even when I feel like school is the LAST thing I want to do, I know God's placed me here... for a specific reason. I'm still trying to figure it out, but at least HE knows!!

2. My family. I would not be where I am today without their constant support, encouragement and prayers. I love them so much, and I'm thankful they never gave up on me.

3. My friends who keep me sane. Enough said. :)

4. The sunshine. I've loved having these beautiful, sunny days here. Not too hot... and no rain!

5. God's still refining me. As painful as it is, I know that it's worth it... It's funny because sometimes I think God's done refining me... but then he catches my attention somehow, and says "Shauna, I'm not done with you yet! :)"

6. He has a plan for my life. Thank GOODNESS. Because I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING half the time. Haha. He will get me through this...

7.  God is good. All the time. And for this reason, I have many more than 7 reasons to smile.

It's about asking God the right questions.

Tonight, I had a wonderful two hour long conversation with a friend of mine. We only thought we'd be talking for a few more minutes, since it was somewhat late and we both just got of our night class, but somehow it ended up being over two hours. And even though I didn't get as much homework done as I thought I was going to, this conversation was well worth it. We talked about THE most random things some things that have such little significance to everyday life (there were definitely some laughs, which I'm thankful for as it's been a crazy first couple of days). We also talked about some bigger and more relevant things in life. One thing stuck out to me from this conversation.... And it encouraged me tonight because it was a reminder of what I need to be doing, especially in the midst of confusion that I'm currently in...

She was telling me a story about her dad. It was a simple story, but essentially it had to do with prayer and the importance of asking the right question. I think so often I try to get an answer I want out of God by asking a question that is solely motivated for selfish reasons. I forget that I sometimes need to ask God the right question, that's asked with Him and His blessings in mind, not myself and what I selfishly desire.... The answer I get in return may or may not be what I ever thought it would be or it might not be what I presently desire, but because I'm open to His Will, I have faith that it's for the best.

In this season of my life, I think I'm realizing that I have been asking God the wrong question, and therefore I haven't received an answer right away... Instead, I need to ask a different question, and it's the right one. In the moment, I know I might be put into an uncomfortable position... but once again, in the long run, it'll be worth it. :) I trust in that fact... But now, I just need the wisdom to be able to discern what He's telling me and the courage to actually submit to His Will.

Thoughts

I'm done with my second day of my senior year (that will take 3 semesters...haha). Believe it or not, I still have two more classes I haven't even had yet. But anyway, it feels like I've been here for months. It feels like we're already in the middle of the semester. I know this semester will be a tough one. These past two days have definitely proven that. These next few months will challenge me in every way possible... academically, relationally, emotionally and physically. Spiritually speaking, I'm taking things one day at a time. My faith in God is going to bring me through this semester, and He will give me strength in all those areas. He'll give me rest, too.

I'm still very excited for what God has in store for me. I believe that this school year will be life-changing. I've always struggled with my calling in life. But by faith, I believe that God will show me what He wants me to do this year. I believe that with all my heart. I'm more open to what He wants me to do than I have ever been. And I'M EXCITED.

Even in the midst of to-do lists of a million pages of homework, projects, and chapters to read, I am content in where I am. I may not have all the answers now, but God is my answer. And in time, He will show me those answers.... :)

It's here.

Today. God brought me here. Let's do this. :) My burden is light.

Deep Breaths

Tomorrow is the beginning of my third year at Fox. And I'm super nervous. I'm nervous, especially for classes. I know they're going to be hard. I know they're going to push me to my limits. I know, even now, that I'm going to be put into situations wayyyy out of my comfort zone. I already know that. But I also know that I serve a God who gives me rest. He takes my heavy, stressful burden and gives me peace in return. So, tomorrow and the rest of this week (and so on after that), I will go into these classes taking a deep breath. I believe I can do this. I believe that anything is possible with God. HE made the impossible happen last year. So, I believe He'll do it again.

And... now that I really think about it, I look back on my summer... and I realize this: He was preparing me for this week. All those lessons and constant reminders that He gave me daily was for this moment. He brought me here. He brought me to this place. And He'll bring me through it. I trust in Him to do that.

Once again I remember... breathe in: I can't. Breath out: HE can!

So, here's to the next year. God, YWBD. <3

"I've forgotten how to be a friend."

This year will be different. I am going to love people, even when it's the hardest thing to do.

I trust that God won't give me more than I can handle.

Breathe in... breathe out. 

God, I need You right now. Desperately. I need Your peace. I just wanna feel safe in Your arms. Your arms are the only place I feel secure in right now. You're my love. You're my hope. God, I need You. Desperately. Right now... 

2012-2013

Last year was a crazyyyy year, and I think this past year was part of the reason I didn't wanna go back this year. But one thing I often forget is that God allowed those certain things to happen to bring me to today, so I could be prepared for what's to come next... eek. But also, I forgot that God was there with me through it all! He BROUGHT me through last year, and there's no reason that He won't do it again!

So, as nervous as I am going back to school in the next couple of days, I know God has this year under control. He won't let me down. Ever. Here I am with a final, and necessary reminder that God has been trying to give me for the past couple of weeks, but I've chosen to ignore it... until now. His reminder is this to me: It's gonna be alright. Because I'll be with you every step of the way :)

I'm looking forward to this next year!
The trials that I'll learn from.
The lessons Jesus will be teaching me.
The memories that I'll be making.
The friendships that'll form.
The goals I'll be achieving...

This year's theme is High Hopes. Not gonna lie, but it's pretty lame... But it's kinda true in my life, for this year. I have "high hopes." But more importantly I have faith in a Higher God. I believe that He will be my strength, peace, courage and rest this school year.

A Prayer Jesus Also Prayed

Right before Jesus was about to get brutally tortured and on a cross to die for my sins, He was in a place called Gethsemane. He prayed a prayer similar to one I prayed a couple days ago. He prayed to His Father in Heaven and said "Abba, Father! You can do all things. Let me not have this cup {of suffering}. But do what you want, not what I want." My prayer was much simpler, however, it kinda had the same point. My prayer was "God, this is Your day, not mine. So... Lord, Your will be done, not mine."

Sometimes I forget that when I pray those words, there's a chance I might not get what I want. If my plans get overtaken by God's plan, I might very well find myself in an uncomfortable position. I might have to go through something a little painful. I might be forced to do something I don't want to. But when I pray those words, I can be sure that if I listen and submit to God's Will, His Way will prevail and He'll get what He wants... and deep down, even though at the moment I can't see it, that's what I want, too. God has my best interests in mind. He always has.

From the beginning of time, he had you and me in mind. All throughout Jesus' life and death AND resurrection, He had us in mind. Just think about where we'd be if Jesus hadn't died for us. What if Jesus didn't want to go through with the Cross just because it wasn't what he wanted in the moment? What if? We couldn't have that forgiveness easily. We wouldn't be able to experience His Holy Presence even while He's in Heaven. Things would be different.

I use Jesus' example for my own life, now. What if I don't listen to God? What if I ignore what He wants for my life? Well, truth is... I don't wanna know. So... here I am not wanting what I want in the moment (and this has to do with SOOO many areas of my life right now). But instead, I'm being reminded of how important it is to submit to God's Plan for my life in every aspect. He has my best interests in mind, and I trust in that. I want what Jesus wants for me. :)

Even Pain has Purpose

Do you wonder why you have to feel pain in a world that is controlled by a loving God? I'm wondering that today... In the moment of pain, it's hard to find its purpose. But I believe that no pain goes to waste. I believe that God doesn't throw anything away, including a hurt or pain in one's life, including my own. Looking back at my life, I see that the pain I went through had a purpose, and it brought me to where I am today. Without that pain, I wouldn't have experienced the miracles that God performs on a daily basis.

Today, as I'm going through some hard times again, I trust that it has a purpose, too. I may not see the purpose in it right now, but I will soon. Heartbreak brings us back to God. Pain brings us to the feet of Jesus, and that's where I am today. In complete surrender, I'm in need of those constant reminders that remind who God is. Good and perfect, and well... He is constantly working everything out for my good, even though I just don't see it right now...

But even in the midst of that pain and confusion I'm in, I can find comfort in the fact that pain has purpose. The pain that I'm feeling is just the dark before the morning... and before the beautiful ending God promises. It's just like the story of the Cross. There was darkness and pain while Jesus was in the tomb. But three days later, He rose again. Without the tomb and without that pain that came from it, there would be no resurrection and no salvation. There was purpose in that pain. A divine purpose :)

Remembering my First Love

My first love is Jesus Christ. Sometimes, I forget that. But He's the one who holds my heart. He carried me through the tough times, and He pursued me until I was His. I could never thank Him enough for that. My love story started with Christ. It began at that moment I could never forget. It was that moment of complete and total surrender. Falling on my knees in awe of a God who would forgive my faults, mistakes and still love every part of me. I am in love. I am in love with my first love, Jesus Christ. He is and will always be my forever love.

No one can satisfy me like He does. No one can touch my heart like He has. No one. This morning I needed this reminder. One of my favorite songs is Divine Romance by Phil Wickham. I love those lyrics. "In Your Presence, I'm completely satisfied. For you, I sing, I dance. I rejoice in this Divine Romance." That says it all. He displayed true love on the cross over 2000 years ago for me. Little 'ol me. He showed me a love that no man could ever show me. For as long as I live, I will have my first love by my side. He's been there from the very beginning, and He's been there every step of the way... I cannot imagine life without Him.

One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 4:23 which says "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Jesus is the guard keeper of my heart. I gave that job to Him a while ago, and He hasn't let me down since. My prayer is that He keeps guarding my heart.... because it's been broken before, and I pray that was the last time. Jesus healed my heart over and over, and I trust that He will do as long as I need Him to do so. My heart is too precious to Him. Right now, God is holding the key to my heart. He's holding it safe. Safe in His hands.

For the past couple of days, I've been remembering my first love, Jesus. I'm re-realizing how important that is, too :)

Sometimes, God's refinement is painful. But deep down, I know full well that it's completely worth it...

The ending will be beautiful.

This is YOUR day, not mine.

Your Will be done, not mine.

Summer 2012

I can't believe this summer is almost over. It's been almost perfect, in several ways. Most definitely, this summer has been one of my favorites! ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. Now here I am, with only a week left of summer, looking back on the past three and a half months, and realizing how much of a blessing this summer has been. Here's why:

1) Compared to my previous summers, I finally feel like I'm where I need to be, spiritually. God brought me to this summer. I came into it with fears and anxieties. But He got me through it. I look back to the summer before this one, the one before that, and the ones before that one. All I can do is smile.... because I know this summer is a millions times better than those ones. I've grown up so much since then.

2) The people I've surrounded myself with this summer are people I see in my future. Most of them, that is. I've come to appreciate even more the family and friends that I've been given. I've gotten to know some people this summer who are genuine, and I always have fun with them. I've also met people I never would've thought God wanted me to meet. But somehow, His plan worked it out and paths crossed.

3) God's been my strength and rest. He's also been my comfort, in times of doubt in myself. I remember several times this summer where I felt unworthy about myself. Without going into huge detail, He brought me through it. He was exactly what I needed Him to be.

4) I've learned so much this summer. God's taught me something, LITERALLY everyday. He's taught me something about myself or about His character. I'm so thankful He continues to teach me things. He'll never give up on me. :)

I'm not really ready for summer to end. I'm not ready to go back to school quite yet. But it's gonna come in a week or so. And I need to be ready... I'm going into this next school year with different anxieties, but I just need to remember that coming out of summer 2012, God took away those worries I had going into the summer. He overcame them. So I have faith that this next semester and school year, God will do the same.....

Doubts

A wave of doubts have overcome me. About a lot of things. Big things. Little things, and everything in between. I'm having a harder time letting go of those worries and just letting God take control. But today, I'm just reminded over and over that I don't need to worry. I just need to take a deep breath, and... have faith in Him. He's got it all under control. I can't control much in this vast world, but I can trust in a God who has full control.

This next school year is just around the corner. I'm a little freaking out about it. I'm so not ready for it. But it's almost here... so I know need to get prepared. And God will help me through it. He has gotten me through 14 years of school already, and I think He can get me through a couple more. So here's to the future, once again. Here's to the new school year.

"God, this year is Yours. I'm here for you. So show me who YOU are this next year. Give me the strength and wisdom everyday. Guide my every move, word and thought. Give me Your desires, and Your dreams. Help me to see people in the way You see them. I trust completely in You. Take away my doubts, my fears, my worries, my insecurities, and anything that's not of You in my life. I look back on my life and I am reminded that You've already brought me through 20 years of life. The rest is also up to You because I can't do it all alone. No need for me to worry..." 

Everything Has a Purpose

Today while my feet were gently floating on top of the Tualatin River over the dock, I looked at my toes. Not only do toes just look weird if you look long enough at them, but sometimes when I think of toes, I can't help but wonder. "Why did God even make them?" For a second there, I had forgotten that toes have a purpose of balance. I was reminded that in fact, they DO have a purpose. But THEN I thought, "What's the point of having a pinky finger?" I was then told that their purpose was so you could be fancy... you know... when you're drinking a cup of tea or something. Haha... As silly as that answer was, in that moment, I was reminded that everything has a purpose. Even though it sometimes doesn't really make sense, everything happens for a reason. I find comfort in that tonight. And I find comfort in that fact everyday.

This Past Weekend

I've been surrounded by some pretty amazing people. They're the people who make my life at school, work, etc bearable. I love them so much, and I am honestly blessed beyond belief with them in my life. They are enjoyable and genuine people. I always have fun with them. No matter what the setting is.  They may not be the most popular or the most people-pleasing. But they're real and will tell you how it is. And I so appreciate that about them. I'm thankful for these people God has put into my life.

I know that not everyone is meant to stay in my life forever. This past school year is proof of that. But I also know that these people are meant to stay in this new season of my life. Again, I'm thankful for that... and for them :)

There's a meteor shower literally happening right now.

I'm bummed I'm missing it. Seriously so bummed about it. The sky, the stars, those are all constant reminders of how creative and beautiful my God is. Even though I'm not witnessing it, like I did last year, I was still so happy to look up at the sky tonight and see the amazing still stars. Someday soon I will watch a meteor shower again. Someday soon.

Tears may last for a night

But joy comes in the morning...

In the past couple of years

I've changed so much. I'm almost the complete opposite as I was then. And that really just makes me smile. I used to hate looking back. But now I appreciate it so much more because of the difference God's made in my life since then. The difficulties I faced back then were heartbreaking. But I can see that now it needed to happen. I'm reminded of that constantly. God got me through those hard times. And even though the struggles I'm currently facing or will be facing in the future aren't alike to those in the past, I have those past experiences to remind me that God will bring me through these difficulties again. That's really comforting for me, too...

It's just awesome know that God hasn't and won't ever give up on me. The past few years of my life is proof for that statement. I look back to years ago. I was not spiritually, mentally, physically where I needed to be. But He brought me back to the places I needed to be. He brought me back to His plan. He brought me back... His pursuit is admirable. And I'm just beyond thankful for it. Although mistakes were made on the way and doubt filled my mind, He didn't give up. He loved me enough to get me to where I am today. And He loves me to take me to places I never dreamed of... here's to the future. :)

The Right Thing at the Almost Right Time?

I've talked before about how important it is for the right thing at the right time is. I feel as though I've finally found a right thing, but I'm not sure it's the right time. I believe it is, but at the same time, I'm not sure I'm quite ready for it, and that's why I'm not definitely sure about it being the right time. Maybe it's just a process, and the time frame is longer than I think it is or should be. Part of me doesn't think I can handle all of it right now. Maybe I can; maybe I can't... only God knows that. It could be that it actually is the right time, and I just don't see it at the moment. I do, however, know one thing and it's this: if this is the right thing at the right time, it'll work out as it's been working out now... that's a reminder that I've received from God today. Timing is everything. So far, I like how the timing has been working out, and I know it's only because God had something to do with it. We'll see what happens!

God teaches me something new everyday.

I am thankful

Literally, seconds ago, a co-worker of mine just texted me that another co-worker of ours got fired... I am completely and utterly shocked. She was a wonderful person, and I thought she was doing just fine as an employee there. But what do I know, righht? It was just really sad to hear that, because a job in today's world is vital. And well... I'm just thankful for the job I have right now. I could very well lose my job for literally any reason (the news I heard today proves that). But I haven't. For that, I'm beyond thankful. Instead of complaining about my job and other things, I need to be thankful for these things. I don't deserve any of it.

Today at work, I was reminded that even when I do make those mistakes, I get another chance. And that really just makes me smile. For that also, I am thankful. You have no idea. I've been blessed today and every other day, at work, at home, at school... everywhere. I'm just so blessed beyond belief.

I am so thankful. I am thankful to my God. I'm just oh, so thankful... I can't express that enough. He's given me more than I possibly deserve. He's good. So good.

As for my friend at work, I never got to say goodbye today. That makes me sad. I'll miss her. But I'll be praying God does His will in her life, whatever that may be...

You know you've had a good night when you see three shooting stars in the beautiful night sky.

Talk about constant reminders tonight.
Absolutely breath-taking, amazing, and perfect.

Even in the midst of a cloudy day, the sun still shines.

Just like that, even in the midst of a crappy day, like today, my God still reigns and I have a reason to smile. No matter what.

Seven Months to Smile About

August is just around the corner. And I can't believe it. 2012 has been a crazy year so far. God's taught me so much these past 7 months, too. And I think that's why it's been so wonderful. He's taught me more about myself and about His character. I can't help and look back at the past seven months.

1. He's answered my prayers. Sometimes they've been in ways I haven't expected, but nonetheless, He's answered them according to His Will. That's more than enough.

2. He's continued to refine me. He has yet to give up on me, and I can't thank Him enough for that. He reminds me constantly that His plan is better than mine. He loves me that much. :)

3. He turned trials and tears into testimonies. That's his specialty. No pain goes to waste with Him!

4. He made the impossible possible. Literally. I'm so thankful for His miracles everyday!

5. He's been my undeniable strength. In my weakness, I find His strength. He's my rest!

6. He's never failed me. People might fail me. They might not meet my expectations. But God won't. Again, He loves me that much.

7. He makes each day special, in His own way. This is so true for my life! I can't emphasize that enough! He makes sure I know everyday is His, not mine. He teaches me something new everyday. He constantly reminds me. :)

He makes me smile. What a year it's been so far.... and there's five months to go. I can't wait for what God has in store! Instead of being anxious, I will have faith that He's gonna take me places I've never been, all for a divine purpose though. Just like He's been doing... I know the road might be crazy hard, but He'll be there with me, every step of the way. I have 20+ years to prove that He will be right beside me. I also have these past seven months to show that I have something to smile about. I have a reason to look forward to and smile about the future...

Jesus, I'm ready for you to come now.

God's Direction

My sense of direction has never been good. It isn't absolutely horrible, but it's definitely not where I'd like it to be. I usually need someone to tell me to turn right, or to turn left. Or to keep going straight when it comes to areas I'm not especially familiar with. But as for my spiritual journey, it's about the same. I need God's direction. I need Him guiding me what turn to make next, how fast to go, and when to get there. What's awesome is that He's been holding my hand, every moment of my life, guiding me to this moment. But at this point in my life, I'm at a defining crossroad. And this crossroad is a place I'm definitely not familiar with. I've never been here before. Ever. And I'm not sure which path to take, though. I kinda of see the results of several paths I could take. I just don't know which one is best. I don't know which path is part of God's Will. That's the path I'd like to take, ultimately. It's just hard being in a position where I am right now. I can't see the end of the road. I can't see the destination yet.

God knows each destination. I trust that He'll lead and guide me to the right one, too. I have faith in Him to do that. God brought me to this crossroad, and I know He'll bring me through it. I might be here for a little longer than most people, though. I don't wanna rush it, make the wrong turn and reach a dead end. This decision I make is just too precious to me.

I trust in Him. I will follow Him.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Breathe in: "I can't."

Breathe out: "He can!"
Every breath I take is a reminder of who God is. He's my strength, and everything good.

If I could redo mistakes in my past, then I wouldn't be exactly where I am today.

And I know that today I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.
I'm here because God divinely brought me to it.

Anointing Oil

Today I worked at the front door. It was a good day. Let me tell you why, though. While working at the door, one of my co-workers, who also happens to be a brother in Christ, told me that he'd sprinkled "anointing oil" around the front door a few days ago. I thought that was so cool! We began talking about what prompted those actions and about how anointing oil is, in a sense, like praying for these members that walk in and out of this warehouse on a daily basis. Whenever I'm working, I try to see these people in a way God would see them. I try to say a tiny prayer for as many as I can, too. But it does get difficult, since I often get so distracted...

But I just thought about how cool it would be to pour anointing oil around the warehouses' perimeter. I  probably won't ever get around to doing that, but I would love to one day walk around the building and just pray for it... Maybe that'll happen, maybe it won't. I'm not sure. But it's something I thought about doing today.

Anyway, back to my day. It was great. After this co-worker of mine ended his shift, I made sure to thank him for doing what he did. It may seem silly to some, but I believe that act of faith had God's divine power within it! Today was a unordinary good day at the front door. And I believe it had something to do with that oil.

Past, Present, Future

I'm beyond the point where I've learned accept and forgive myself for the mistakes I've made in my past. But for a split second, I remembered how much my mistakes have hurt or will hurt people I love and I really wanted to regret it all over again... But I just couldn't. Those mistakes weren't just lessons for me, but they are the reasons I'll never settle or go back to my old life. They were the motivations for finding something better. Beauty from ashes. God burned away my old life, and I was given a brand new one through Christ alone. He reminded me that I have a bright future ahead of me, despite the mistakes I've made. While I'll still have to face certain consequences for my sins, I don't have to regret them, entirely. I've already been made new. And God uses those mistakes for His glory.

I think the reason I had to go through so much pain was to see the difference in the possibilities of what's to come. It's a big difference, too! I think I also needed to make those mistakes to realize my worth and the enormous love God and others have for me, even though I mess up. While I'll never fully get my innocence back, I have been redeemed and forgiven. That makes my heart smile.

I can smile at my past, present and future. My past brought me to where I am today. It brought my to my present. My decisions made me who I am today. I'm here. And I'm ready for my future.

I need You

"I need you to soften my heart,
And break me apart.
I need you to pierce through the dark,
And cleanse every part of me."

With my Heart, Mind and Soul

I love You so. 

Seven Reasons to Smile (7/18/12)

I haven't done this in a while, so I thought I would tonight :) Since I have a lot of reasons to smile!

1. My family. They do so much for me. They love and support me like no other. Each one of them is a blessing in my life, for such different and specific reasons. Even the smallest things they do for me, that means the world to me.

2. My friends. Tonight I got to hang out with some pretty amazing people. They're like my second family. Tons of laughter took place, and I'm reminded of how lucky I am to have them in my life. They're the bestest! 

3. My job. I'm blessed to have the job that I have. Sometimes I really can't stand this job of mine, but through it all, I still thankful for it. Plus, I have some pretty amazing co-workers that I've been getting to know over the past year. It's just great!

4. This summer, and where I am. Spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, etc! Although I know, without a doubt, there is always room for growth, I know I'm exactly where I am supposed to be. This summer has probably been one of the best yet, and I honestly wish it didn't have to end so soon... But anyway, this summer has been the most meaningful and purposeful, probably. And I guess it's not over yet, which is kinda exciting!

5. My future. God is preparing my heart today. He's consistently refining me :) I'M EXCITED where He takes me and who He makes me.

6. Those constant reminders. Everyday, I'm reminded of who God is, and who He's calling me to be. I'm beyond thankful for these reminders. 

7. I have WAY more than 7 reasons to smile....

"I'm always afraid I'm gonna mess it up."

I said that today in regards to something that doesn't really matter in the long run. I still thought it several times in my head though. That's why I find myself having a harder time taking those risks I know God has called me to do in this moment. Today, there was an instance where I was just doubtful about myself and all I could do was worry I was going to mess up. But I didn't. I did alright. I had help along the way, though. And that's what got me through it!

So when it comes to the big decisions in life, I still know I don't need to doubt myself anymore. I need that confidence only found in Jesus. He's got me through so much already. I know I'm ready. In my heart, I believe I'm ready to take this new step. Whether I'll fall when I take that risky step or not, I'll take it in faith. That's the safest bet. I have people who love me praying for me. I have Jesus with me, too. It's gonna be okay. I won't mess it up.

God has a way with working things together.

I'm genuinely excited for this next season of my life. It's a new and different season for me. Maybe it'll be a short season, but hopefully it's a long one? Only God knows. Only He knows what I need and who I need. All I can do is submit to His plan. His way. This new season, I foresee new people, and new experiences; I feel like I'm getting a fresh start almost, that I totally don't deserve. It kinda came out of nowhere, but it makes me smile because I enjoy surprises like this. That's just how God works, though. When I least expect it and when I stopped looking, he makes things happen. I'm looking forward to what God has in store in this. 

When you stop looking, it finds you.

My Briauna Babe

My little camper. Her smile melts my heart. Her laugh is contagious. Her beauty comes from within. She is adorable. She is my little penguin. She was my little girl for a week. And I'm so thankful I got to spend another week with her. Every night before I went to bed, I tucked her in and then, thanked God for her. She is PRECIOUS. I love her more than I did a year ago when I first met her. She has grown so much. She has learned so much.

One thing I so admire about her is that she has a heart for people. Her concern for them is astonishing. There were several moments where all I could do was smile and be so proud of her. One moment that especially made me smile was when she was getting her medication from the nurses before breakfast. The second morning at camp, she was the first one to be there, and she got a prize for it. She was so excited. And honestly, so was I! (I also found pride in the fact that she was the first in our tent to go to sleep and be ready, too). She was a good little girl. Hahah. Anyway, the third morning came around. I was holding her hand and excitedly telling her that we might be the first ones again to the nurses, which means she'd get another prize! But then she said something that reminded me of the Jesus in her. She said to me with a smile, "If I'm the first one again, I'm going to give the next person the prize, so they can have a chance to win something." Um, wow. This little 8-year old was sacrificing something special for another. Although this is a stretch, she gave the next person in line something they technically didn't deserve. That's grace and genuine love right there for a girl her age. There were also other moments where I could see her love and genuine care for her fellow friends at camp. It was amazing to witness my little girl do that.

Would I, a 20-year old girl, give up something I rightfully deserved for another? I'm not sure. But I'd like to think I would. Anyhow, Briauna challenged me this past week. She reminded me the significance of love for people again in moments like this. She blessed me in every moment I got to spend with her. Even when she had her tantrums, she was a blessing to me. I smile just thinking about her. I love our conversations about God and our walks together. I love cutting up her food at meals. I love praying with and for her. I love when we match and wear purple together. I love when she would run up to me a give me a giant hug. I love holding her in my arms. I cherish each of those moments. I love her. She's precious to me. And she's even more precious to God. He knows and loves her more than anyone could. She's in His hand. She's His child. And she's my Briauna babe. :)

Ready or Not.

Sometimes I think I'm more ready than I really am. Other times, I think I'm not as ready as I am. This means when all I want to do is "go for it" I have to be patient and wait. And those other times, I have to take the risk, even though I might have doubt about it. Ultimately though, I believe God works things out in His way, by His timing. He makes things happen, when He knows I'm ready for it. He molds my character, my skills, my heart for these things. I've experienced this for the last couple of months. Usually these things, to my surprise, happen when I least expect it. But it turns out, I'm never right and I could never possibly plan it better than He can.

I guess that's the amazing thing about God. He's constantly showing me that He's in control of my life. He's also showing me everyday that He loves taking part in my life. Even the small things. He loves me that much. He works it all out. My doubts and anxieties are gone because of Him. My selfish and rash decisions are destroyed because of Him. Again, it all works out, whether I'm ready or not.

"Christians are like glow sticks. In order to shine they must be broken first."

So. Good.

Royal Family Kids Camp.

Tomorrow begins my week at camp. I am so excited for what is to come... I can't wait to spend a week with my little girl! This week is HIS!

Again, today was one of those days.

The not-so-great ones. I can think of several moments that just kinda.... sucked. But right now in this very moment, I'm reminded that those very unpleasant moments don't really impact my future, therefore it shouldn't affect my attitude about today, either. I need to re-focus. I need to remember the good moments about today, that I'm forgetting. There were also several moments today that brought a smile to my face. :) I need to remember that God is still my God. He got me through today, and He will get me through tomorrow, too. Once again, I need to say, "Today was His day, not mine."

"Father, I am here for You. Show me who You are."

I am not here because God needs me, but rather because He put me here. I am here for Him. In everything I do or say, I try to make Him the center of it. Everything I take part in is for Him. Each day, I try to say those words, "Father, I am here for You. Show me who You are." I want to know more of who He is, each and every day. It's simple, but powerful and life-changing.

Conversations with Jesus

I always enjoy spending time with Jesus, whether it's through prayer in the morning, on my way to work, while at work, or when I go to sleep. What I've realized, though, in these past 6 months, is that it's important to spend time with Him. It doesn't matter when or how. But it's important to grow and talk to Jesus on a daily basis. If I claim that He is the most relationship in my life, I think it's reasonable that I act like that too, right?

The amazing thing about my conversations with Jesus is they can happen literally 24/7. No other relationship of mine is like that. I really do take advantage of that, too... I find myself praying in the most random of places and times of the day.But He nonetheless, listens; no matter what, no matter where. Now that I think about it, sometimes prayer is the only reason I get through the day. Constant communication and access to the God of this universe?!? I think that's pretty powerful. I'm thankful for a God who listens to me. I'm thankful for a God who answers prayers. For over 20 years, He's answered my prayers, and He's been there for me. I'm thankful for a friend like that.

365 days

A lot can happen in 365 days. And usually when I look back 365 days, I usually remember a lost girl. I just become ashamed of who I used to be. I made some mistakes I never thought I would make. Just thinking about the girl I used to be brought me to tears in seconds. Thankfully though, God brought me out of where I was to where I am today. And now looking back those many days, I just see a different girl. I simply smile because instead of seing a lost girl, I see a constantly growing woman in Christ. I just see a less refined one back then. But today, I'm more refined. And tomorrow I'll be a little more. It's really nice being able to do that, now. I love being able to see the difference in me because of Him. God has never given up on me, and looking back on my year and my 20+ years of existence, I see that clearly. In 365 days, I can't wait to see where He's brought me to.

"To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you." - C.S. Lewis

Tonight I was reminded of a time I had to forgive one of my now really good friends. It was not that long ago, but as I revisited that memory of mine, I thought to myself "Why did I ever forgive him?? He totally didn't deserve it." I became a little angry again. I chose to be selfish right then. But then my thought process steered in a more godly direction and I remembered that the Savior of this world, and of my life forgave me. Forgiving someone gets more personal and meaningful when you've experienced it for yourself, and I have experienced that forgiveness, over and over again. I definitely don't deserve that forgiveness He gives me everyday, but He consistently and gracefully pours it out for me. God forgives the inexcusable in me. And I think that's awesome. Beyond awesome, actually. That's true love...

And that's the love that I want to show the world everyday. My love will never be perfect, no. But I want to love people in a godly way, showing lovingkindness, mercy, grace and undeniable forgiveness.  I wanna be more like the God I serve, because um, well He kinda rocks... and He's an example worth following :)

Today is just not my day.

Have you ever found yourself saying that? I know I have. And every time I say or think it, I'm reminded that no day is ever my day. Some days are better than others, but essentially, it's not mine. Today is God's day. Psalm 118:24 says "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." That's it. It was never my day to begin with. It has always been and always be His day. For myself, I think God is constantly reminding me of this. I have a tendency to forget that He is in control of every circumstance in my life. Especially on the bad days, when every bad thing that's even possible happens, when tears and pain is all that is ever felt, I know God is working it together for my good. Not only is this day His, but also... (I've said it before and I'll say it again) this life is His. 

Tomorrow is on its Way.

I'm thankful that today happened. I'm also thankful that yesterday happened. And also the day before that... because if they didn't happen, tomorrow wouldn't ever be on its way. You see, I made it to today only because I got through yesterday, and therefore I know I can make it to tomorrow, too. It's all about your attitude and how you see it. No matter what kind of day I've had, I'm totally grateful for it. I'm content in it. 

Be thankful for your past. Learn from it. 

Live in the moment. Appreciate it. 

Hope for tomorrow. Look forward to it. 

It's not about what I want.

It's about what God desires. It's about what He knows is best. It's about what He wants. Over and over, I'm reminded of how I can never find fulfillment in what I want for my life. It's all about His Will. Not mine. Just because this is my life, that doesn't mean I should call the shots. Because in reality, my life is His.  

There's no such thing as a "bad day" when God has anything to do with it.

Everyday is a day the LORD has made, so I will rejoice and be glad in it!

People

Since I've started working this summer again, I've come to realize how insanely rude, disgusting, and prideful people can be. It makes my heart sad thinking about it, too. We're all sinful and prideful beings. But then, more recently, I've been reminded of how beautiful people are, or can be, too. Every one of us is created in God's image. We have a beauty within us because of that! God wants to be in a relationship with every single one of us and I think that proves that even the worst person on the planet is worth it, right??

Today at work, that sweet truth became more real to me. Without going into huge detail, conversations took place and I realized how beautiful each person who walks through that warehouse is beautiful, even if they're irritating or frustrating. They are HIS and they are wonderfully made. Over and over again, I try to love people as I know I am called to. It's hard, sometimes though. BUT as soon as this moment of realization came over me, my perspective of how I saw these people who I encounter almost everyday changed. And it was good. :) They were beautiful, all of them...

God's Will Always Works Out.

No matter what. Sometimes, even with the most littlest things, it frustrates or irritates me that I don't get my way. But today, I'm reminded that His way is better. And His Will always works out. Also, another thing I realized is that my way is just. plain. pathetic. in comparison to God's way. It kinda makes me laugh and smile, actually. God has something amazing in store for us if we just submit to His Will. He has our best interests in mind.

Better Than I Was Yesterday

Up through high school, I was the best and exceeded at whatever I did. For the most part, things came easily for me. It was nice because I didn't really have to try. But when I came to college, things changed. I wasn't the best anymore. I actually had to work hard and try to get an A, whereas in high school, an A was a piece of cake. But this wasn't just things in school. It was almost everything in my life. Things took longer than they did before. Things were harder for me. It was much different than they were in high school. Sometimes I got the feeling that there's something wrong with me because things came so easily before. Sometimes I just didn't feel as good as I used to. But in the past week, I'm realizing more and more that God is just teaching me something, yet again. He's teaching me about the importance of the journey I am taking that will eventually lead me to a destination. You see, in high school, it was all about the product, never the process. I was usually only satisfied when I saw the end result. But God is showing me that it's about the journey. Not the end result, necessarily.

Even in this moment, I'm being reminded that when it comes to God, He's the Beginning and End, but in reality, there's no end. He's forever. Therefore, that means, there's always room for growth. There's always room for improvement. I can never be the best. But I can always be better than I was yesterday, in everything I do. It's about the becoming. The potential of who I can be is always bigger than who I already am today. So, I must keep working hard. I must remember, too, that God will reward me for it. He will bless me. Hard work reaps a profit.

He Shines

The Sun shines for you
A light in a dark place,
Gives and sustains life,
Everyday, warmth on your face.

The Sun shines for you
Looking for nothing in return.
That gift of light is already yours;
It's nothing you can ever earn.

Likewise...

The Son daily shows His mercy 
Exemplifying true love years ago
On a cross, eternal life was given
Oh, because He loves us so.

The Son shines all around us
Expecting nothing in return
He just pours out His goodness
And still, it's nothing we can earn.

The Son shines all around us
A light in a broken place
Who shines brighter and purer
Everyday, He gives undeserved grace.

It got me thinking...

I joke with one of my co-workers about how he's extra cheesy and fake with the members we encounter everyday. He isn't rude with them (which is awesome!), but he is most definitely over the top with how he greets them. I call him out on that stuff whenever I see him do that. One day he asked me, "Why do you always call me out on that?" And I replied, "Well, do I have good reason to?" He said back, "Yes... but that's what our manager wants us to do." That's true; our manager wants us to be extra friendly with our members. But I just put myself in the members' shoes. I know I wouldn't have wanted him to be fake with me, even if his manager asked him to... 

And alsooo... with this same co-worker, there are times where members talk to him about insignificant stuff that they feel the need to share with him, and I see his response to their stories. I just can't help but ask him, "You don't even care, do you?" He says, "Nope, not really." His answer didn't shock me, and in his defense, "to care" isn't part of our job description. But these moments I've shared really got me thinking...

What's more important? To be fake, but nice OR to be real, even if that means not being the nicest person on the planet. To me, I'd rather be real and genuine. Yeah, I'll be extra friendly with them, as I'm asked to do that. But I strive to be real. I don't wanna be seen as I view the co-worker I've been talking about. When they see me smile at them, I want them to know it's real. I want them, ultimately to see Jesus in me. You know? Jesus is my example, and in a sense, He's like my real boss. He's real with me, even if it hurts. But it's in a loving way. I wanna be like that. 

These moments also made me reevaluate how I view the people I interact with, whether they are members or co-workers. Do these people feel like I come off as I don't care about them like I saw in my fellow co-worker? I really hope not. As much as I may get irritated with people, I still love 'em. They still are God's people, and now that I think about it, it's almost an honor to have an opportunity to invest myself in their lives. Love your neighbor as yourself. I just think about how I would want them to do the same for me. Everyday, God takes interest in my life, even in the most insignificant and small things. So why can't I take an interest in these peoples' lives? Even if it is for 2 seconds. Even if it doesn't even matter. Those few seconds can make a difference. Who knows? But I have to be genuine about it.

Ahh, now I feel like I'm just rambling on and on. And I kinda am. But these are just a few of my thoughts I've been having on being genuine and loving to people. It's so awesome, because now that I look back on my month and a half at Costco, I'm realizing more and more that God is teaching me a lot about PEOPLE. It's pretty cool stuff. He's teaching me to love them more in a way that I know He loves me. Unconditionally. 

God and Time

Time is all around us. We're governed by it. Hours, minutes, seconds. Everyone on this earth is affected by it. Tick, tock, tick, tock... Time never slows down. It never speeds up. Without getting into the physics of time (as I'm just trying to prove a relatively simple point), it's basically constant. Yes, God has power to stop time or do what He wills with it, but ultimately, each second lasts as long as the one before it. Whether I'm expectantly waiting for a moment to come or dreading for a moment to pass, the seconds in between are the same. Time surrounds me for the good days, the bad days, and everything in between. God holds me safe in His arms on those days too. God is constant. For each one of those seconds, a constant God is in control. Good moments, bad moments, any moment... they belong to time.  Hours, minutes, seconds. But time belongs to my God. He governs time. We're all affected by Him. He is all around us. He is with me. That's what keeps me going. 

I'm Almost Home.

One thing I am reminded almost everyday is that this world is not my home. I don't belong here... because my citizenship is in Heaven. What a comfort that is. If this world was all there was, I honestly don't even know where I would be right now... It's hard going through life never fitting in. Throughout my 20 years of life experience, I've never completely felt like I've fit in anywhere unless Jesus had something to do with it. I feel comfortable with my family and church family, for instance. But never quite with worldly groups. It makes sense, though. Because I belong to Him. I've belonged to Him since before this world was created. He's my Father. And He put me here on this earth, for 20+ years. But I soon will be with Him in eternity. When He says it's time; when I've done what He's called me to do here... that's when I'll be home.

That's what keeps me going. The fact that I'm on my way home right now. God is guiding me there, every step of the way. Life is just the road to the destination. There are some road bumps along the way, but if I just look around and ahead I see Him there. Home is just around the corner.

More to Come.

There are hundreds of things I could write about. Literally. There are at least ten distinct things going in my head that either I know God is teaching me, I am learning about myself or just interesting realizations about life or people, in general. And I just wanna write all about it! Ahhh... I wish I could organize my thoughts and write about every single thought I have right now, but there's just too much! But in the next week or so, I plan to write a little bit more... so stay tuned; there's more to come.

I think I'm getting the hang of this.

Looking back a year or two ago, I was the absolute worst at knowing who was meant to stay in my life and whom I was meant to let go of. People come and go. That's a life lesson that I've been relearning for years now, but like I just said I haven't been the best at knowing which ones are meant to come and which are meant to go. Sometimes I tried to manipulate things in ways so I could have what I wanted, and not necessarily what God desired for me. So I did things my way (which obviously never lasts or works for very long). But He always brought it back to where it needed to be. He brought people in my life to exactly where they were supposed to be in relation to me. Whether that meant acquaintances, friends, best friends, etc. He made that happen. But I think for the first time in my life, I think I'm getting the hang of it. I'm beginning to discern who I should surround myself with and in what way, too. I look back at several people that I've come to know.... some I've met in the past year, and some I met when I was in the nursery. And I'm learning, especially in the past month or so, how to determine who of those that are meant to stay and who are merely a lesson, in a sense. That lesson could be be a big one or a tiny one; nonetheless these people I often encounter even everyday I see are meant to be lessons and reminders... not people I was ever supposed to involve myself. Other people I've known my entire life, but at this point in my life, it's time to let them go.

Now, I still know God is teaching me things regarding people. And I know I will have trials later on in my life trying to know who is supposed to stay and who's supposed to go. But I have faith in myself that if I continue to seek God, He will make it clear, as He has been for the past couple of months. It's been a journey, to say the least...

A Little Photograph

As I was attempting to clean my room today, I stumbled upon a photograph of my camper and myself. It was the first day of camp, literally seconds after the two of us met for the very first time. That picture, it brought a smile to my face. Royal Family Kids camp (a camp for abused and neglected kids) is a little less than a month away, and I so excited for it! As I starred at that picture, memories of my week with my camper filled my head. But in addition to that, anticipations also flooded my mind. This next camp will be my second year with Briauna, and I'm so excited to see how much she's grown and changed since the last time I saw her. I'm looking forward to the memories that will be created during that second week of July.

I instantly loved this little girl the moment I saw her. That was the moment that picture was taken. She was beautiful and loved by a great God. She is made in His image. My love for her grew throughout the week, too. Even in the moments when she was misbehaving, I loved her. She was my little girl that week. I was given the blessed opportunity to love on her and show her an unconditional love she may not receive in her everyday life. And now, a year later, I realize even more of what a privilege that was to love on her. And that's why that photo instantly brought a smile to my face this morning. Briauna blessed my heart, and in the time between last year's camp and this upcoming one, I've been praying for her. I've been praying that God would bless her, as He's blessed me abundantly...

I can't wait for camp this year. I believe God has amazing things in store for this little girl.

Each and every day, He makes it special in some way.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been reminded of this. God is teaching me something new and different every day. He is reminding me of who I am, but more importantly, of who He is. Those are those constant reminders. Sometimes, the reminders are subtle. Sometimes they are huge. Most of the time, He reminds me through His creation. The sunset, for example. But He also reminds me through the smallest moments in my day. To everyone else, they probably appear as insignificant moments. But to me, the have so much significance. Today was one of those days where I don't even know if I'd classify it as a good or bad one. It was just a day. It was HIS day, though. And there were several moments in both my good moments and my bad moments, where I saw that God had something to do with it. It didn't impact my day in a huge way, but it did remind me that He is the God of my life and everything does happen for a reason, even the small things. He cares enough about me that He would even reign over the small moments in my life. That was what He taught and reminded me of today. He made it special in that way. He's all about uniqueness. Now, I'm excited for what God plans to do with tomorrow...

Break-room Chat

Yesterday at work, I was in the break room on my lunch break and I sat next to one of my co-workers. She looked like she was in a bad mood, which was surprising because she usually always had a smile on her face when I saw her. I asked her how her day had been going. She said, "S***tty." I almost didn't know how to respond and I simply said "I'm sorry..." and almost left the conversation there because I don't really do well around people in bad moods. But within 2 seconds, I was prompted to ask why. So I did. She went on telling me that it was family stuff. Soon, she explained to me that on her way to work, she had received a phone call that her sister had cancer and that she just couldn't focus at all. It made perfect sense as to why she was acting the way she was.

That short conversation made an impact on me. It reminded me that people have those bad days just like me... but instead of reacting poorly to someone's bad mood, instead I should try to be a friend and actually care. One of my pet peeves is when someone asks a person how they're doing, but doesn't really want a response in return. Sometimes I'm a culprit of this, but I'm beginning to realize again that as a believer, it requires not just asking, but caring, also.

It means deep conversation, not surface ones. It means being real.

How ya doing?

Today I asked a member, "How are you doing?" He replied, with a smile, "A lot better than I deserve." Isn't that so true, though?? Truly, we are blessed with more than we deserve. His answer caused me to stop and think of how blessed I am and in reality, I don't deserve it one bit. I have been given so much, yet I deserve none of it. Beyond blessed. Solely by Grace.

The way God works everything out...

and the way He makes other things fall apart completely amazes me. Only a God like the one I serve could do that. He really knows what He's doing. And I really just can't help but smile tonight at what's He has done and is currently doing in my life at the moment. Big or small things... He works it all out according to His perfect Will 100% of the time. HE. IS. GOOD.

They're HIS people, too.

You know those people who get on your last nerve? For myself, sometimes these are the people I encounter everyday at my job. But one thing I have reminded in the last couple of days is that these people are God's too. Just like me. My job has given me a different perspective on how I view them. I become a little more graceful and forgiving. And loving. I see them differently. I see them exactly how I know God looks at me. He loves and looks on me with grace and mercy...

So I will also love them.

Sometimes I forget that this world is not my home.

My citizenship is in eternity. 

“Good is often an enemy of the Best”

One thing stuck out to me in this morning’s sermon for me. It was that quote. It especially means a lot to me in this season of my life because there are moments when I want to settle, but I know better than that because I know God has something better… He has and is saving the very best for His little girl. I was reminded of that this morning and it has stuck with me through the day. Now all I ask is that it sticks this week… there have been many opportunities to settle for something good in the past week and I know there will be more this week, too. But God saved me last week and I have faith that He will continue to do so. But I need to submit to His Will. I need to listen to Him for discernment and guidance, too.

Good is good. But the best is better. Good might as well be from Satan, seeing that the BEST can only come from God. I want the best for my life, and so does God. I can hear Him in every decision saying “Shauna, don’t settle for that. Yes, it’s good. But it’s not good compared to what I have for you. I have something better… I have your best interests in mind. So, just wait…”

Me Without You

If you haven't listened to the song called "Me Without You" by TobyMac, you should. The main idea of this song is talking about myself without God. That's a scary thought. Where would I be without God? I'd be very lost, that is for sure... I'd be trying to get through this life of mine all by myself. I'd be completely and utterly stuck. There's a lyric in the song that says I'd be "building my kingdom just to watch it fade away." That's so true for my life, too. Knowing exactly the kind of person I was before I truly let God rule over my life, I know I would be striving to live life according to me, myself and I. And that would soon lead me to a destination to well... failure. All I know is that I'm glad God has me in His hands. I don't know where I'd be without him. But I do know where I am with Him because He's with me all the time, and I'm safe wherever I go :) 

Imma Cloud :)

Clouds. If you haven’t noticed already, I have a newfound, strange obsession with clouds. Haha.. Not sure why this is, but it’s there. And today I was on my way to work, I was looking up at the clouds and had this random thought: I’m a cloud… sort of. Haha. Here’s why though… Clouds block the sun, yet they also let the Sun’s light shine through, too.  Likewise, I am separated from God because of my sin. However, because of His massive love for me, that barrier is broken, and because of that, it’s more than possible to let HIS light shine through in me.

Sometimes clouds are gloomier than normal. Right now, I’m starting at some very grey and sad clouds. Those are my bad days. There are also the white, beautiful ones, too. Those are like the good days. Nonetheless, the clouds still light shine through. Likewise again, for myself, I have both good and bad days. There are days when all I want to do is cry, but I also have days where all I can do is jump for joy. Either way, I think I can be a light unto this dark world. I pray God’s light shines through either way, every day.

Every morning, the sun rises. Even if we can’t see it, it’s there. It has the same job everyday. To shine and give this world the light it needs to sustain life. Grey clouds. White clouds. No clouds. It shines. No. Matter. What. It’s the same with God. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. His goodness is everyday. He shines and is in my life on my bad days, on my good days… every single day. It’s my job, however, to let His light shine through on every one of those days… 

The Little Things

For some, it takes the big miracles to make them believe. But for me, it's also the little things that make me believe and be reminded of God's amazing goodness. Tonight was one of those reminders. Without going into huge detail, it was a reminder that God does truly take interest in my life.Yes, even in the little things. The little things that you wouldn't think mattered. But in reality, they matter a lot. This little thing that happened to me tonight... it made my night. It saved my night.

Nothing is too big nor too small for God. He's invested in it all! :) 

4:23

Above all, He says guard your heart. 
Though, I claim that's easier said than done.
Again, I felt it all falling apart.
Finding its way back, hurt & heartache.

I found myself slipping away
Unable to do it on my own,
Bound again in my worst weakness
I couldn't guard it by myself, all alone.

On my knees, in total surrender.
Pleading for divine intervention,
Crying out in submissive prayer
There, He met my every need.

Simple reminders of what only He can do.
Ultimately in my life, His Will be done.
Saving & amazing grace; alone no more.
Another battle, He's miraculously won.

Guarding my heart, safe in His care.
For him, He saved my heart once again.
His plan, none can possibly compare.
It is beautiful, indeed all things good. 

"You are less beautiful than you think and more beautiful than you believe."

A girl like me encounters several prideful and doubtful thoughts on a daily basis. So, this is something that hit home. It's exactly what I needed to hear tonight. And it goes beyond the word beautiful... you can substitute it with any word, really...

Pride and doubt. These are two sins that appear to be complete opposites. They kinda are. But nonetheless, they're still both sins and therefore separate us from God. Pride is thinking you're more than you really are. It's the root of all evil. Pride says we don't need God. But we do because we're literally nothing without Him. On the other hand, there's doubt. Doubt is believing you're unworthy and nothing. But once again, we're totally worth it. And because of Jesus, we are made new and worthy. We're made new and in God's image. He also died for us. That says something right? I think so.

I'm consistently finding myself to get to a healthy balance between the two. Tonight I encourage you to do the same. "You are less than you think, but more than you believe. Ultimately we need to embrace who God has created us to be. Humble, redeemed, but also bold, in HIS name.

The Sky is Changing

Have you ever sat in the middle of the parking lot long enough to see the sky change colors? Well... I have, thanks to my lovely job as Parking Lot Patrol this past weekend. It's quite boring at times, but I also strangely love it. During the times when I haven't preoccupied myself with something to do, I'm stuck to simply look out my window and see the massive sky above me. I see the changing sky. I have this new strange obsession where I just love looking at the sky and clouds. It's breathtaking. It reminds me of the beauty and greatness of the God that I serve. God changes that sky every moment. And that same God changes me, too. Every moment. I'm changing. I'm changing solely by the grace of God. The God who holds the world in His hands is changing me... such a comfort that is, and tonight I'm reminded of that.

Timing is everything

The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. The wrong thing at the right time is also the wrong thing. A negative and a positive is still a negative. And obviously the wrong thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. Two wrongs don't make a right. Simple stuff, right? I think so. This is why I think everything happens for a reason. Yes, while sometimes it's hard to determine what exactly the reason is, there are times where all I can say is "duh."

For instance, things like "the right thing at the wrong time" and "the wrong thing at the right time" happen as they do for a reason. Not just because. It's that ONE little thing that stopped it from happening that was directly and solely from God. If It weren't for Him, it could've happened, and perhaps that wasn't a part of His Will. God saved you and me from something. He has something better in mind. That's how I see it, at least. 

I'm waiting for the right thing at the right time, in almost every aspect of my life. Because that, too, will happen for a reason. But the difference is that it'll happen... and surely God will bless it.  

Did anyone see the sky tonight?

Did you watch it change? Oregon weather is pretty bi-polar. And today was perfect proof for it. Sunny, thunderstorms, rain, etc... tonight I was blessed to sit and watch the sky change for a few hours. I watched it during the thunderstorm as the sky changed its color from red to purple to pitch black. It was amazing.

Clouds in the Sky

"The sky was beautiful. But all I could see were the clouds.
Because that's what I do. I ruin things."

Someone said this tonight. Someone I used to know... But that's beside the point. You know, it's funny because when I look up at the sky and see the clouds, I don't see them as ugly... or bad. But rather, I see them as beauty. Something good. Especially lately, for myself, I've realized that clouds often make the sky more beautiful. Here's why: it reminds me that the sun that is always there, even if it can't be seen. In a sense, when I see clouds in the sky, I believe the sun has more purpose, impact and meaning.

Likewise, the messy situations in my own life remind me of who God is. Amazing. I'm often reminded of how His light still shines through, no matter how hard life gets. He's always with me, even if I don't feel like He is. The difficult circumstances that cloud my life bring me closer to the Son... to Jesus. Not the other way around. I take those painful situations, and try to find the absolute beauty in it. I look for the light in it. I seek Jesus in it. And I always find Him there :)

I wanna live like that.

Even though they don't know my name, is there enough evidence to them that I know HIS name?

"If this is war, then I'm gonna draw my sword."

There's a war going on. It's a spiritual war, though. So draw your sword... that is, the sword of the Spirit. The Word of God. It's more powerful than any other weapon in existence. Therefore, it's important for His people to spend each day in His Word. The Bible speaks truth. It shows and encourages  us how to live in every possible situation. It's proactive, but when necessary, it's reactive as well. It's our defense as believers in God. Without it, our amour of God is incomplete, that is spoken about in Ephesians 6:10-18. We must stand firm against our enemies in this active and real spiritual war at hand. We must "draw our swords" by meditating on His Word.

For myself, this is something that I'm constantly working on. It's sometimes hard starting my day off reading the Bible, but what I do know is that the days I spend time in His Word are my best days. Really, they are. But even more than that, I know I need to remember to ingrain (perhaps through memorization, etc...) those words I read into my mind and my heart, so I can have that defense throughout my entire day, no matter where I am. If I can do that, I know I can stand firm. I can feel safe, even in the midst of chaos and pain, because I have His Word in my heart and I have drawn my sword in this ongoing spiritual war...

Even though it's cloudy outside

I think it's absolutely beautiful. Your light shines through. Always.

He already knows.

He knows my doubts.
He knows my insecurities.
He knows my past.

He knows my dreams.
He knows my purpose.
He knows my future.

He knows me. He knew from the beginning.
I'm safe in His hands...

Praise precedes victory.

Grumbling precedes failure.

I have so much to be thankful for.

Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow.

Everyday. All that it contains. 

Praying for God's Will

There are times when I just don't know what to pray for. It's the difference between what I want and what God desires. Sometimes they don't always match up. So, the safest thing to do is pray for God's Will to happen. Ultimately, it will happen. But in the past few days, I've come across moments where I'm just not sure what to pray for simply because there are times when I don't even know what I want or what's best. So I just pray for His Will in all things. He knows what I desire and He knows best :)

Common Ground

Yesterday I had an old friend text me about how he desperately needed prayer for something. Now, this was a friend I never expected that from... It's not because he doesn't believe in God or anything like that, but because both he and I used to be "enemies" about one year ago or so. We were probably on the worst terms we could possibly be on back then. However, I'm glad to say we're not now, and something that happened yesterday reminded me that we're on the best terms we could be on, and in fact... that was an answer to my prayer! :) Anyway, he said "You're one of few people I know that when someone comes to you and asks for some prayer you actually follow through on it." And then he followed by telling me his prayer request... and I offered to pray, of course.

That moment when the person you least expect asks you for prayer... that's an amazing thing. That simple text reaffirmed the common ground we have and we're still brothers and sisters in Christ! It's amazing to see what God can do with a mess of a relationship like this one. He can turn it into something that is used for His glory!

Prayer, Jesus and faith is the common ground that he and I share. We have our differences, we have a difficult past, and we have our own separate lives.... but we serve the same God. That unites us. No dissension anymore. We are brothers and sisters in Christ.

365 days

Time changes people. 365 days changed me. Go back in time, just for a second, 365 days ago... who were you then? Who are you know? For myself, when I look back a year ago, I can honestly say that I've changed... like a lot. My dreams, my relationships, my everything... my heart. God's in the process of changing every part of me. He's doing all He can to refine and rid me of anything He doesn't desire for my life.

God changes people. He's changed me. In the next 365 days, I expect God to change and mold me even more... I can't wait to look back, a year from today, and see all that He's done...

He made it happen.

He made the impossible happen.

Trusting God

All the time; not just in times of trouble...

Seven Reasons to Smile (Finals are done!)

1. I took a 21 page final... absolutely RIDICULOUS. Whatever. It's done! :)

2. I passed a class that I seriously thought I was going to fail. Miracles do happen! God is good! I seriously couldn't have done it without Him! He really never ceases to amaze me. 

3. Remembering God's promises and grace... He brought me to it AND brought me through it. 

4. Cleaning the apartment. Like non-stop today, with Sonia and Rebecca! I'll miss sharing an apartment with them :) Love them. So many great memories with them!

5. Last meal in the Bon. I get real food tomorrow!! Home... yay!!! :)

6. Three more semesters. And. I'm. Done. Woooooohooo. Beyond excited.

7. Summer is finally here :)

Seven Reasons to Smile (Final #2)

1. Finally done with one of my least favorite classes I've taken here... :) But I'm wiser because of it! I think...

2. Packing. Bittersweet! :) More sweet than bitter, actually.

3. My mama is the best mom in the world :)

4. Awkward encounters. It seems like I had a lot of those today. Oh well. Hahah. Good thing I can just laugh it off...

5. Italian sodas in the Bon... in "celebration" of the year. Ha.

6. This has been one crazy semester. Good, bad. And everything in between. But through it all, I've come so far and grown so much :)

7. Last study break of the year tonight. Phase 10 with my roomies... aka some of my favorite people in the world :)

Seven Reasons to Smile (Final #1)

1. Well, I got my first final done. It was probably one of the hardest, most ridiculous exams I've taken. At least it's over! :) Thank GOD.

2. Worrying means a lack of trust. My mama reminded me of this today. So thankful for her, and all the other positive influences in my life!

3. Confirmations... and answers to prayers.

4. The courage to stand up for myself, even though it was one of the hardest things to do...

5. Faith in God. He will see this through... all of this.

6. Fun study sessions. Makes this class worthwhile :)

7. Almost. Done :)

I love when God proves me wrong

It just goes to show that He's in complete control of my life. Sometimes when I think I have it all figured out, He likes to remind me that I don't have it all figured it out at all. But, He does. He knows best. I can't do this alone. He constantly brings me back to HIM over and over again. He's the answer. Always, always, ALWAYS.

Seven Reasons to Smile (Studyin, studyin, studyin...)

1. Time to myself at home. Thinking, pondering, praying, etc :)

2. Looking back on the year, and being happy with how far I've come, where I am, and where I'm going...

3. Having people who I know are constantly praying for me :)

4. People come and go. And you have NO idea how badly I've experienced this year thus far... but I'm so content with who I've surrounded myself with. I love the friends and family God's presently put in my life. They are blessings every day, in so many ways!

5. Dinner in the Bon. Haha. I love the random, spontaneous dinners at Fox. I haven't had one of them in a while, so it seems... Love moments like these.

6. Being a little less stressed for my first final tomorrow... Philippians 4:13. SO glad I read this morning. Much needed reminder!

7.  Faith. Hope.  I know the long hours of studying will pay off. I believe this :)

Love & cherish the people God gave you, because He will need them back some day.

A little sad, but very true. I'm learning to live with this, as hard as it is...

Seven Reasons to Smile (Dead Day)

1. It's a perfect day for a dress! Hehe. This weather, although I'm stuck inside studying, is absolutely beautiful. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, people are out, and it's just... absolutely wonderful.

2. It's my last Monday at Fox for a while; this time next week, I'll be home. Home, sweet, home. I can't wait. It's been a long semester. But it's been worth it...

3. Studying. I know the hours I've been studying will pay off in about 2 days. God knows how hard I have worked and how badly I want this. Romans 8:28

4. ONLY four more days!! I've never been more excited for a semester to end! Seriously.

5. University Ambassadors! I love this family.

6. Pretty successful Dead day. Relaxing, productive. Great combination.

7. I'm pretty darn blessed. Sometimes it's easy to forget that, but it's true and I need to be reminded of this every single day.

Seven Reasons to Smile (Finals week)

I'll be posting my "Seven Reasons to Smile" every day this week. It's Dead day, which mean finals have finally arrived... meh. Somewhat stressful. Not gonna lie, but I'm a little more anxious this time around... But I still have several reasons to smile :) This week is God's. He's got this...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." - Philippians 4:6

Grace

Where nothing is earned,
but everything is given.

God specializes in the IMPOSSIBLE.

He makes them possible :)

The world hates me

I'm in the middle of reading the book of Revelation. It's a very confusing book, however lately I've been thinking about the end times. I honestly think we're in it. Or at least, we're close...

I'm also in the middle of some situations where I just think: why!? This is ridiculous. Being hated on because of this is not fair, whatsoever.

But these situations I'm in also remind me that good wins always. Love always win. Right now, even though, we may not be winning, we're well on our way to the victory. I believe that our side will win because God's on this side. Who can be against us? The world will hate me. In Matthew 10:22, Jesus says that the world will hate you because of Him. I am experiencing that even now... my loved ones are experiencing it, too.

All in all, I believe in our actions because it's not pleasing to the world. I'm not here to please the world. I've been put on this earth to please and praise my God. Not my peers. Not this world... Jesus didn't please  the world, but He did save it and love the people in it. I want to follow that example and love the people in this world, but never... ever to strive to please them.

Prayer is powerful.

There's a lot I'm praying for. I've been keeping track of my prayers for a little over a year now in a prayer journal (for just about anything...big or small). Some prayers have been answered right away. Some have been answered slowly over time. Some are still not answered from even when I started the journal. I have prayers that are over a 16 months old. God's given me all kinds of answers, too:

"Yes!" :)
"No, but I have something better mind."
"It's time to let it go and surrender it to Me. I will take care of it."

He's answered some prayers in ways that I've never thought before. It's kinda crazy, actually. Ultimately, His Will is done, though. It's just that plain and simple.

And this morning I was looking at my prayer journal, I added two more prayer requests. But as I was looking back at the pages of requests I have presented to God, I noticed a lot of blank spaces under the column that's titled "Date answered." It just keeps piling up...

It made me sad a little bit. I really wasn't a fan of seeing all that white space this morning. Why hasn't God answered these things yet?! I don't understand.

But then I looked at all the answered prayers over the past year. That brought a smile to my face. God is good, and He's done some pretty amazing things just in the past year. Just looking back, I can see that prayer, including the small ones, is powerful! I can only imagine what He's going to in this next year. I can only imagine what He's going to do tomorrow....

Have you prayed today? That's all it take. Just pray. I promise you it'll change your life. HE will change your life. :)